And now for more emotional bullshit...

 This is called 'Detour', wrote it about an hour ago.

Living pill to pill, hand to mouth.

Just trying to feel half-decent in the now.

More pills than I count, more names than I can recall,

I have wanted nothing more than to ditch them all.

I had one year of feeling normal with little medication.

Being happy, finally finding results to my supplication.

At age eighteen in my senior year.

It all felt right, it all seemed clear.

Happy to be myself in situations that used to scare,

Left emotional hell and never thought I'd be back there.

It refused to last, it refused to stick.

I was back to rock bottom far too quick.

If you're asking me, it's just not worth the toil.

Fighting eight years of hell just for one that doesn't spoil.

I have my ups and I have my downs,

Why can't I just figure this shit out?

I'd say I'm coasting but that would imply progression,

I'd say I'm spinning my wheels but I'm stuck with depression,

Another year has come and gone,

There's little that has been improved upon.

I say I'm all right when there's a smile to don,

I say it's all right when I'm all wrong.

What feelings are real, it's getting hard to tell.

Which smiles are real and which ones do I sell?

Force a laugh, force a smile.

Keeping up my facade all the while.

You ask me how I am, I say I'm okay

I could be better if I could find my way,

The truth is that I've seen better days.

Saying I'm fine is just easier to say.

Primary inspiration came from a really well crafted video on youtube called 'Perfect Stranger' which pairs up Lightning and Fang from FFXIII-- the important part is it's awesome and the song Cells by The Servant struck me and gave me an internal rhythm to put my words to paper, so to speak.

You can watch Perfect Stranger here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJ7kAz-PFNs

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming...

For something that isn't RFTA related. It's still something I wrote but it was a demon I needed to exorcise.

So, this is "Sidewinder":

You hurt me, but I can't get too mad

You're the most precious thing I've ever had.

You showed me all the things I didn't see.

Instead what I was not, what I couldn't be

You did so much for me in just a few months

More than fifteen years of prescription drugs.

My life opened up when you took my hand,

But you took it away for reasons I can't understand

You knew me so much better than I ever could,

I'd have said you'd never do this but apparently you would.

I'm grateful for all you've done to help me along,

I'm just sick of wondering what went wrong.

There's no way you could tell yourself I'd take it well,

You had to know that losing you would put me through hell.

I needed you and thats why I called and wrote.

For nearly a year I waited and I hoped.

You cut me off when you had become air I breathe,

I'm still not over you and everything you've done for me.

Was temptation too much or was it something else?

Was it an emergency decision to protect yourself?

So I was left with denial for almost a year,

My friends telling me things I refused to hear

You were so much, the kindest soul I have ever met.

You call yourself a hedonist, do you have room for regret?

So I'm still stuck, telling the same sob story to every new friend

About how much you helped me and how painfully you made it end.

You knew I would not weather it well, that I would fall right to the concrete

Knowing I'd go down face first and have my heart smeared on the street.

That I'd be in a downward spiral I could not escape,

That I'd hit rock bottom and that I would break.

I write this shit in circles, I know I've written this all before.

About how much I miss you and the internal war

It's been too long and I still see you in everything,

From drinks to cigarettes and words that are said to me.

I still remember the conversations we had every day

I just never realized how it would be when they were taken away.

I'm only able to be angry you did this to me, put me through hell

Because you were there to show me how to respect myself.

You meant more to me than anyone else, I just want you back,

I can't figure out how to hate you when I love you like that.

It still hurts and I don't think I'll ever really get over what we had,

When I fucking love you this much how the hell can I stay mad?

What does it say when I can't escape being reminded of you?

My only comfort is knowing that where-ever you are, this is the truth:

You have these pains and you're unable to stop seeing me in everything, too.

That concludes "Sidewinder" and we now return you to waiting for me to actually work on more RFTA.